Well, here I am again. Wide awake at 1:15 a.m. I was having weird dreams for some reason so I think I'll just stay up a bit and write. I have a lot on my mind anyway.

My kids went to Richmond with their father to visit their grandfather for several days. Just like when we were married, there is NO communication between their father and I. It's like the kids are the go between unless something major and serious is going on. Any other time, the man grunts at me. Still, after close to six years, he STILL hasn't given me the baby pictures of the kids he is supposed to. I guess I can ask AGAIN nicely and if he doesn't cooperate this time I'll take a deputy with me along with the divorce papers saying I can get what is mine. Good grief!

Why did I write that? Well, I guess it's been bothering me a bit that I was "told" by the kids that they were going to Richmond - I wasn't asked - I was told. I actually encourage them to see their dad's side of the family and I didn't have anything planned with the kids, but deep down it does bother me a little. I hate not seeing them for that long.

My son is almost 17 now so I don't see him much at all lately anyway. Any free time he has is spent sleeping or at the Fire Hall. He LOVES being a volunteer firefighter! I am proud of him for many things, but that is such a worthy way to spend one's time. Helping people and not getting paid for it. He's a great kid! He's handsome, smart, talented and very caring and above all, he is a Christian. He and Katie argue sometimes, but that's normal. (I soooo remember my brother, sister and I fighting - oh my!) I'm very proud of the young man he has become. Occasionally he has a smart mouth, but he knows when to shut it - especially if my nostrils are flared. That is not pretty. When my nostrils are flared, the wrath has begun. I'm not the quiet, scared person I used to be. I'm much stronger now, so I don't take lightly when someone tries to walk all over me. Not anymore. Ok - enough of that. Lol

Now, my daughter, on the other hand is still my little girl at 13. She's growing up much too fast really. It seems like she changes or grows an inch or two every few days. She's a beautiful young lady. I'm proud of who she is. She is down-right hilarious, smart, dramatic (can I get an amen???) and is also a Christian. She has no problem with self-esteem like her mother always did (and still does) and she won't easily give in to peer pressure. If anything, she tells kids they are stupid when she has found out they've been smoking or doing any kind of drugs. I PRAY she stays strong and that I have taught her right from wrong. Darrell says she'll probably go wild in the next few years. I hope she proves him wrong. She's still my baby in so many ways, but everyday I look at her, I see her becoming a young woman. It's hard to swallow.

But - that's why God blesses us with children I suppose - to teach them right from wrong, be a positive role model to them and to take care of their needs until they are grown and out on their own - and to mold them into the adult they are meant to be. I guess I'm writing because I miss them. They are six hours away from me and I guess I worry they may need me and I'll be way down here. I have to trust their father to do that in my absence I guess. He does love them and I'm sure he'll watch out for them. If anything, he is MORE strict than I am - if that's possible. He will take care of them. So will God. I know God will never let me down. Hmmm - I'm still wide awake. I thought that a little blogging might do the trick. I guess not.

Let's see - what else to talk about...? I go see my doctor in the morning for my regular check-up. She sees me about every four weeks to make sure nothing major has changed. Hopefully, since I'm seeing her fairly early in the day, she'll be in a good mood this time. In all the time I've seen her, she's been great to me except for the last couple of times. I don't know if she's frustrated with me, her job or her home life, but I certainly hope she doesn't take whatever is wrong with her out on me again. I have ENOUGH stress in my life as it is and don't need any more. It's no wonder I hurt the way I do lately. Such is life.I feel like I'm getting a sinus infection so at least maybe she can get me fixed with that. I've had intense pain the last few days - worse pain than I've had in a long time. I nearly had my husband take me to the ER for a pain shot. Nothing would touch the intensity. It was bad - really bad. All I could do is cry - yeah, I know that didn't help either, but at least I got some stress relief that way. I hate pain like that. I hate when the pain comes so quickly and powerfully that it debilitates me. I can do nothing. Nothing at all. No one can. It's bad when even the clothes you are wearing hurts you. The thought of it makes me cringe. But - this is what my life has become….a waiting game. Waiting to see what each day brings me. Am I going to hurt today? Yes, I hurt nearly everyday, but some days are way worse than others. How am I going to handle it? What can I do to make it ease up? There are no answers many days. I just live the life God has given me the best way I can.

I am blessed in many ways. I have a great husband that loves me, kids, parents, siblings and friends that love me. I have a place to live, food to eat, a place to rest, clothes on my back and job I love. I have my sight, my hearing, my taste, my sense of touch, my sense of smell (well, when my nose isn't clogged up - lol), a nice car to get me where I need to go. I have a lot more than many people do. I think since God has blessed me with so many good things, I need to understand that the pain I deal with is part of the plan He has for me. Maybe in some way I can help somebody else someday - much like one of my dearest friends has done for me. We take what God gives us. It's up to us to make a difference, a positive influence on others. If they don't use what God has given them, then it is their own fault. We all have responsibilities. Some have the responsibility of being the head of household - the one that makes the family the strength that it is and is responsible for seeing that those they love are led spiritually as well as physically provided for. Some have the responsibility of caretaker….making sure the needs of the family are met. Others are responsible for obeying their parents until they reach the age of adulthood. We all have our roles. It's up to us to do the best we can for God's glory.

Yes, I'm rambling… sorry. I just let my fingers go and type whatever comes out. Just overlook me. It's 2 a.m. and I'm awake - sort of now. Thanks for reading this far if you have and please overlook my typos and non-sense analogies. I guess I'll try to sleep again. More next time…Fibro-girl OUT!

And another....

Here we go again. My second blog for the night! It's ok, I must need to get some things out here. My brother and sister-in-law made it home from Texas safely and surprised us tonight with an early arrival! It was a much needed blessing. This will probably be the last week I'll get to see my brother for a while. He lives in Texas and will be making his second tour to Iraq in April or May. I hate that they live so far away, but truthfully there aren't many jobs around here and no one blamed him when he rejoined the Army full-time. It's who he is now. I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments.

I wrote earlier without much detail as to what has been going on, but again, my step-son seems to get the better of me even when he isn't here. Well, he got his way. He is staying with his grandmother that lives about 20 minutes away...close to where his druggie friends live. That's real good. Really smart for my husband to give in and let him go. His mother is legally blind and doesn't like to stay by herself when her husband is working nights, so my hubby agrees to let him go over there for the 'night.' Hmmm.

The problem I have with that is that although I am married to this man (and obtained two boys at the time I did) I am the one that is with this kid every day and night. He drives a truck and is gone half of the week, yet I have NO say-so in his discipline or what his son is/is not allowed to do. I found out tonight from my daughter that my husband allows his "grounded" son to get on the computer when I am at work and makes him log off as soon as it's time for me to come home. This really burns me up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I cannot continue to live this way. It's not fair to me.

Each time I try to discuss the 'son' with my husband he either changes the subject, yells about me 'nagging' him aboug the kid, or tells me he's tired of talking about it. When my hubby was young he was one of the wild boys I never in a million years would have dated. Although we went through middle school and high school together, we didn't hang around the same crowds. I was a 'band geek' and he was the wild, pot-head, party boy. Total complete opposites in almost everyway. But we love each other and despite our differences, we try to make it work. The ONLY thing we argue about it the one son of his. That's it. Nothing else.

Now...here I am...blogging to try to sort out my feelings. Trying to decide which road to take at this point. I am too tired to fight. I hurt too much to keep the charade up much longer. It's sucking the life out of me and I'm either going to have to dig in and keep trying, or make the choice for my husband and allow him and his sons to do whatever they want despite the consequences. It's like nothing matters to them. Who gets hurt...nothing. No conscience. I don't understand. I always had respect for my parents and for any adult, really. This kid could care less. He will lie over and over again like it's nothing. He has no regrets at all. He does what he wants no matter who gets hurt as long as it's for his good.

I'm going to go now. My eyes are heavy and I've fretted enough. It's time for Jesus and me to have a talk. He will help me through it. He is the One I can always count on to get me through these times.

Til next time....
Fibro-girl out!

Rambling Again

Another day. It seems as if each morning brings new challenges, yet new hope as well. Once I managed to get up and get going this morning, work went well. I tried to stay busy in order to 'work' away the gnawing pain. Some days, it works. Some days, it doesn't. I've heard people say it's mind over matter. I guess that's true in a way. All I know is that I have to take one day at a time now.

I'm somewhat angry tonight. Not at any person really, but at this illness that has overtaken my life so mercilessly. I missed my son's high school choral performance tonight. I've cried and apologized, but like the wonderful Christian young man he is, he told me not to worry...there would be more concerts. He told me just to rest and take care of myself. He is very mature for a 16-year-old. I'm so proud of him. He's becoming a man right before my eyes. He's no longer the little boy that climbed in my lap that would read books with me. He's a handsome young man. He makes good grades, he has a beautiful voice, he has an amazing personality and he is also a Volunteer firefighter. I am very proud of him. That's why it angers me that this pain kept me away from something that was so important to him as well as to me. I should have gone anyway, I suppose. But I know how this disease works now --- if I do something when I shouldn't, I pay for it. Usually the next day...a very hard repayment it is.

My daughter will be 13 on Christmas Eve. I can't believe it! My baby is no longer a baby. She's so pretty and very intelligent. She is already about three inches taller than me (I'm 5'2" - lol) so to me she is tall. I was thinking today that she will soon be in high school! Goodness... time flies so quickly! I'm proud of her as well. She would make an excellent actress and has a very outgoing personality. She is my little sweetheart. I hope she keeps that sweetness as she grows up. She and my son both are very tender-hearted...just like their mother. It's a blessing and a curse at times. Being tender-hearted is good when you help others and feel empathy and compassion toward others, but it is a curse when people use that same thing in order to hurt you. It's sad, but it happens.

Well, my pain meds are finally kicking in. I need to try to sleep a while. Tomorrow is a big day at work...New Student Orientations... two of them! I need to be well-rested to handle some of the people I'll get at my desk tomorrow. LOL I honestly wonder how some of them even made it to the parking lot. Sorry - that was mean, but was in fact true.

More soon.

Fibro-girl...out!
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