Well, here I am again. Wide awake at 1:15 a.m. I was having weird dreams for some reason so I think I'll just stay up a bit and write. I have a lot on my mind anyway.

My kids went to Richmond with their father to visit their grandfather for several days. Just like when we were married, there is NO communication between their father and I. It's like the kids are the go between unless something major and serious is going on. Any other time, the man grunts at me. Still, after close to six years, he STILL hasn't given me the baby pictures of the kids he is supposed to. I guess I can ask AGAIN nicely and if he doesn't cooperate this time I'll take a deputy with me along with the divorce papers saying I can get what is mine. Good grief!

Why did I write that? Well, I guess it's been bothering me a bit that I was "told" by the kids that they were going to Richmond - I wasn't asked - I was told. I actually encourage them to see their dad's side of the family and I didn't have anything planned with the kids, but deep down it does bother me a little. I hate not seeing them for that long.

My son is almost 17 now so I don't see him much at all lately anyway. Any free time he has is spent sleeping or at the Fire Hall. He LOVES being a volunteer firefighter! I am proud of him for many things, but that is such a worthy way to spend one's time. Helping people and not getting paid for it. He's a great kid! He's handsome, smart, talented and very caring and above all, he is a Christian. He and Katie argue sometimes, but that's normal. (I soooo remember my brother, sister and I fighting - oh my!) I'm very proud of the young man he has become. Occasionally he has a smart mouth, but he knows when to shut it - especially if my nostrils are flared. That is not pretty. When my nostrils are flared, the wrath has begun. I'm not the quiet, scared person I used to be. I'm much stronger now, so I don't take lightly when someone tries to walk all over me. Not anymore. Ok - enough of that. Lol

Now, my daughter, on the other hand is still my little girl at 13. She's growing up much too fast really. It seems like she changes or grows an inch or two every few days. She's a beautiful young lady. I'm proud of who she is. She is down-right hilarious, smart, dramatic (can I get an amen???) and is also a Christian. She has no problem with self-esteem like her mother always did (and still does) and she won't easily give in to peer pressure. If anything, she tells kids they are stupid when she has found out they've been smoking or doing any kind of drugs. I PRAY she stays strong and that I have taught her right from wrong. Darrell says she'll probably go wild in the next few years. I hope she proves him wrong. She's still my baby in so many ways, but everyday I look at her, I see her becoming a young woman. It's hard to swallow.

But - that's why God blesses us with children I suppose - to teach them right from wrong, be a positive role model to them and to take care of their needs until they are grown and out on their own - and to mold them into the adult they are meant to be. I guess I'm writing because I miss them. They are six hours away from me and I guess I worry they may need me and I'll be way down here. I have to trust their father to do that in my absence I guess. He does love them and I'm sure he'll watch out for them. If anything, he is MORE strict than I am - if that's possible. He will take care of them. So will God. I know God will never let me down. Hmmm - I'm still wide awake. I thought that a little blogging might do the trick. I guess not.

Let's see - what else to talk about...? I go see my doctor in the morning for my regular check-up. She sees me about every four weeks to make sure nothing major has changed. Hopefully, since I'm seeing her fairly early in the day, she'll be in a good mood this time. In all the time I've seen her, she's been great to me except for the last couple of times. I don't know if she's frustrated with me, her job or her home life, but I certainly hope she doesn't take whatever is wrong with her out on me again. I have ENOUGH stress in my life as it is and don't need any more. It's no wonder I hurt the way I do lately. Such is life.I feel like I'm getting a sinus infection so at least maybe she can get me fixed with that. I've had intense pain the last few days - worse pain than I've had in a long time. I nearly had my husband take me to the ER for a pain shot. Nothing would touch the intensity. It was bad - really bad. All I could do is cry - yeah, I know that didn't help either, but at least I got some stress relief that way. I hate pain like that. I hate when the pain comes so quickly and powerfully that it debilitates me. I can do nothing. Nothing at all. No one can. It's bad when even the clothes you are wearing hurts you. The thought of it makes me cringe. But - this is what my life has become….a waiting game. Waiting to see what each day brings me. Am I going to hurt today? Yes, I hurt nearly everyday, but some days are way worse than others. How am I going to handle it? What can I do to make it ease up? There are no answers many days. I just live the life God has given me the best way I can.

I am blessed in many ways. I have a great husband that loves me, kids, parents, siblings and friends that love me. I have a place to live, food to eat, a place to rest, clothes on my back and job I love. I have my sight, my hearing, my taste, my sense of touch, my sense of smell (well, when my nose isn't clogged up - lol), a nice car to get me where I need to go. I have a lot more than many people do. I think since God has blessed me with so many good things, I need to understand that the pain I deal with is part of the plan He has for me. Maybe in some way I can help somebody else someday - much like one of my dearest friends has done for me. We take what God gives us. It's up to us to make a difference, a positive influence on others. If they don't use what God has given them, then it is their own fault. We all have responsibilities. Some have the responsibility of being the head of household - the one that makes the family the strength that it is and is responsible for seeing that those they love are led spiritually as well as physically provided for. Some have the responsibility of caretaker….making sure the needs of the family are met. Others are responsible for obeying their parents until they reach the age of adulthood. We all have our roles. It's up to us to do the best we can for God's glory.

Yes, I'm rambling… sorry. I just let my fingers go and type whatever comes out. Just overlook me. It's 2 a.m. and I'm awake - sort of now. Thanks for reading this far if you have and please overlook my typos and non-sense analogies. I guess I'll try to sleep again. More next time…Fibro-girl OUT!