Ramblings of a Migraine-Ridden Woman 111908

Ramblings of a migraine-ridden woman
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life
I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine a bit ago. Hopefully this excedrin migraine otc stuff will help. I hate that Imitrex crap you shoot up your nose - it runs down your throat and tastes like crap - but it DOES help. Oh well - maybe it's eased off enough that I can lay back down soon. I hope so.

This is a random blog. Well, MOST of my blogs are random and don't mean anything to anyone but me. Sometimes I just feel the need to write. Tonight is one of them. I have a lot on my mind it seems. I try to hide things (like pain) often, but Darrell sees right through me. He knows me too well. It's hard to pretend you don't hurt to someone who knows you better than you know yourself. He sees it... sometimes I wish he didn't. It seems to make him uneasy or at least a little upset that he can't take away what I'm dealing with. No one truly knows until you've been here. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Everyone has their own junk their dealing with. It's just life - it happens. I'm trying to adjust my attitude to maybe improve how I perceive this pain and the things that are placed before me. But it is really hard. I am sometimes my own worst enemy. Darrell says dwelling on things doesn't make them go away. He's right. I tend to dwell on things too long. They linger inside so long that there have been many times I just get more upset. That isn't good - not for me - or anyone for that matter. Maybe that's why I write. I try to get it out here and be done with it or at least try to make sense of things. Who knows.

How is it that I pray about things and give them to God to handle for me, yet I take them back? I need to stop that. I suppose it's human nature. I'm fairly sure I disappoint God everyday in some way or another....I try to ask forgiveness often. I wonder why He even puts up with me the way He does. I am so unworthy of anything He has to offer, yet He loves me anyway. It's a good thing He loves me because there are many times I feel so unloveable....that I am nothing and worthless. BUT....God thinks I'm someone and I'm here for a purpose - at least for now. I wish I knew what it was...maybe I'd be better at it.Often I feel like I'm just a face in the crowd. That I'm just here not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I want to believe that part of my purpose is to TRY to set an example for others in some way.... to be here for my family.... be the wife and mother God wants me to be....but I fall short on so many levels. I mean - I don't even like myself half of the time. How can God use me when I feel that way? I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm overweight. I'm moody. I'm so many things that I shouldn't be. Yet - even with those flaws - and MANY more, I am loved without condition.

I heard a song this morning on the radio that has made me "think" nearly all day. It's about leaving a legacy and how will people remember me? I've left a legacy with Katie because, love her heart, she looks just like me...only way prettier. I've left a legacy with JT because he has my tender heart. But I have ever done anything really significant? I fail miserably everyday. I try to be a good wife and mother. I try to be a decent friend. I try to be good at my job. I try to be a good daughter/sister. But...am I being the Christian that God wants me to be? I'm afraid my answer tonight is no. I've got so far to go in that department.

Growing up my family called me "Mary" (i.e. Mary Poppins). Why? I was a good girl, tried to obey my parents, kept my curfew, stayed away from drugs and drinking.... I knew if I would get caught I'd disappoint my daddy (and if anyone would get caught it would be ME). That, to me, was a fate WORSE than any punishment. Those words hurt me more than any physical pain - to hear my father say he was disappointed in me. So - I tried to live in a way that I wouldn't disappoint him. I need to remember that when I am living my Christian walk. Do I want to do anything that will disappoint God? That puts a whole new perspective on things for me now. I can change many things in order not to disappoint Him! Ok....I am finally getting it here! (Zap - a lightbulb just came on). NOTE: See? Blogging IS good for something!


Monday morning I had over 100 middle-school students on-campus that I was responsible for entertaining and 'impacting' in some way. Well, I was under the weather, so my colleague, Mr. Lee, helped TREMENDOUSLY with his presentation. He told those kids that the choices they make today will affect their lives later. It's true, you know? He told them that if they are doing something they don't want their parents, their boyfriend/girlfriend, their preacher, their friends or the community to know about.....then they best not be doing it. He told them if you do something you have to sneak to do - then it's probably WRONG or you wouldn't be sneaking! TRUE. I learned something that day from Mr. Lee as well....in a way it makes my point as a Christian.... if you have to hide it, don't do it. God knows everything we do anyway. Live life as an open book. Don't be ashamed of things you do because 9 times out of 10 someone is going to find out about it. How will it affect your life? How will it affect people you love? If it hurts them in anyway - don't do it. Plain and simple.

Ok, I've preached enough tonight. I need to try to sleep a little more. Darrell wanted to go to bed early, but then he got up and left me. I woke up a bit ago probably because I went to bed around 9. Oh well....whatever. Tomorrow's another day. I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead. Then it won't matter I suppose. LOL More ramblings coming your way soon.Fibro-girl out...........................................