Just a brief blog. Since I have last posted, many changes have taken place. I am no longer able to work. I filed for SSD in July 2009...and after two denials I am to go to my hearing with a judge within the next six weeks. I meet again with my attorney in three weeks to go over the things I still need. I have been diagnosed with so many new things just since I have written last.
Lupus
Fibromyalgia
Peripheral Neuropathy
Cluster Migraines (well, some weird word for it)
Major Depression
Anxiety Attacks
Chronic Insomnia
Acid Reflux
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Dysplasia
......
I'm sure I am forgetting some things, but isn't that enough??? I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm tired of being sick. On top of that, my stress level is at about a 12 out 1 to 10. All I can do is rely on God's promises.
I'll try not to wait so long to write again. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
What a Week! 092008
It's been a while since I've written so I thought I'd sit down while the house is quiet and I have a few minutes to myself. There's been a lot going on the last few weeks…ups and downs. But all in all, I think God has given me plenty of blessings to outweigh the down times so that's mainly what I'm going to focus on here, all that God has blessed me with.
Darrell got home "early" this week…he was home by midnight which was an unexpected blessing. He's worn out, still sleeping, but he's home and that means the world to me. He doesn't realize just how much I love him….there's no way he could understand. (Well, I'm probably exaggerating there, but still, he's got my whole heart and I'm so happy to be his wife). I miss him when he's away. Half of me is gone when he is, but he's working for us. Going through a lot of hard work, long hours and a lot of junk just to provide the things we need (and extras) for our family. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life and in a few days, we'll celebrate our first year of marriage. J I'm really excited about that one year mark. Seems like we've always been together and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Who would have thought that when I first met this boy with the long "perm" (sorry dear) back in the 6th grade….one so full of mischief (among other things…haha) would end up married to "Mary Poppins" - band girl…shy, studious, sheltered? Oh my - God does throw us some curves from time-to-time, but with Darrell and I, He hit the ball out of the park. We each had to go through a lot of things (most of them not very good) to get here, but I'm glad we are at the place in our life now that we are. We were meant to be together and I'm honored to have the chance to grow old with this man that I love more everyday.
What else is new? Well, it was hard going back to work after the surgery and pneumonia, but I had missed it much more than I realized. The only thing I don't like about it is that I can't take a nap or rest when I really need to. But…that's life. (I do miss those naps though… aaaah…refreshing, they were). Lol My job really is probably one of the best ones to have anywhere on campus! I work for the state, so the pay isn't what I wish it was, but sometimes you have to look at what makes you happy other than how much money is in your pocket. God provides what we need and that's what is important.
My job is FUN… not a lot of people can say that. I get to work with some great people that take a lot of practical jokes, some sarcastic wit and silly stories from me. But I know that they really like it. LOL I also get to meet a lot of wonderful people along the way. Just this week I met a young man and his father, a minister, that were very grateful for the information I gave them. I met a kid visiting from Hawaii that is actually considering coming to our campus next year. His mother told me some interesting things I didn't know about the island so I learned a lot as well. I met a gentleman that had lived in Los Angeles for 20+ years working as 'extras' in movies and shows. He was an interesting man and had led an interesting life. He'd played several parts on Seinfeld, The Ellen Show (her sitcom)…played an FBI agent in the movie, Mars Attack, among a few other films. He is at our school to get started in Broadcasting and is already doing a great job from what I hear. Then I met a new friend, Travis, that has done a lot of interesting things and knows some pretty cool people. He's a great person and seems like he would do anything to help a friend. So, see…I have one of the best jobs in the world! Not only do I get to help people, hang out with some great co-workers, but I get to meet some new friends with interesting stories along the way. Sometimes, I even get emails and cards from people that I've "helped." Funny thing is, I was only doing my job and being myself. What more can one ask for at work?I'll write again soon and talk about the kids…they are growing up so fast!!! I'll have a whole blog just on them!
Thanks for reading, but I'd better go. My sweetheart is up now and I think he's wanting to check the news as well as his email. Take care!!!
Fibro-girl OUT!
Darrell got home "early" this week…he was home by midnight which was an unexpected blessing. He's worn out, still sleeping, but he's home and that means the world to me. He doesn't realize just how much I love him….there's no way he could understand. (Well, I'm probably exaggerating there, but still, he's got my whole heart and I'm so happy to be his wife). I miss him when he's away. Half of me is gone when he is, but he's working for us. Going through a lot of hard work, long hours and a lot of junk just to provide the things we need (and extras) for our family. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life and in a few days, we'll celebrate our first year of marriage. J I'm really excited about that one year mark. Seems like we've always been together and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. Who would have thought that when I first met this boy with the long "perm" (sorry dear) back in the 6th grade….one so full of mischief (among other things…haha) would end up married to "Mary Poppins" - band girl…shy, studious, sheltered? Oh my - God does throw us some curves from time-to-time, but with Darrell and I, He hit the ball out of the park. We each had to go through a lot of things (most of them not very good) to get here, but I'm glad we are at the place in our life now that we are. We were meant to be together and I'm honored to have the chance to grow old with this man that I love more everyday.
What else is new? Well, it was hard going back to work after the surgery and pneumonia, but I had missed it much more than I realized. The only thing I don't like about it is that I can't take a nap or rest when I really need to. But…that's life. (I do miss those naps though… aaaah…refreshing, they were). Lol My job really is probably one of the best ones to have anywhere on campus! I work for the state, so the pay isn't what I wish it was, but sometimes you have to look at what makes you happy other than how much money is in your pocket. God provides what we need and that's what is important.
My job is FUN… not a lot of people can say that. I get to work with some great people that take a lot of practical jokes, some sarcastic wit and silly stories from me. But I know that they really like it. LOL I also get to meet a lot of wonderful people along the way. Just this week I met a young man and his father, a minister, that were very grateful for the information I gave them. I met a kid visiting from Hawaii that is actually considering coming to our campus next year. His mother told me some interesting things I didn't know about the island so I learned a lot as well. I met a gentleman that had lived in Los Angeles for 20+ years working as 'extras' in movies and shows. He was an interesting man and had led an interesting life. He'd played several parts on Seinfeld, The Ellen Show (her sitcom)…played an FBI agent in the movie, Mars Attack, among a few other films. He is at our school to get started in Broadcasting and is already doing a great job from what I hear. Then I met a new friend, Travis, that has done a lot of interesting things and knows some pretty cool people. He's a great person and seems like he would do anything to help a friend. So, see…I have one of the best jobs in the world! Not only do I get to help people, hang out with some great co-workers, but I get to meet some new friends with interesting stories along the way. Sometimes, I even get emails and cards from people that I've "helped." Funny thing is, I was only doing my job and being myself. What more can one ask for at work?I'll write again soon and talk about the kids…they are growing up so fast!!! I'll have a whole blog just on them!
Thanks for reading, but I'd better go. My sweetheart is up now and I think he's wanting to check the news as well as his email. Take care!!!
Fibro-girl OUT!
Nanny 911 101208
I just watched an episode of Nanny 911. Holy cow!!! Those shows make me realized how blessed I am that my children are the way they are. Mind you, JT and Katie are NOT perfect (nor is anyone else, for that matter), but DANG, those kids make mine look like little angels! Some of them spit on their parents, kick them, curse at them (and these are kids under the age of 6!!!!!!!!!), throw things at them... I could go on. It's crazy.
The sad thing about that show is that more and more families are raising (or actually neglecting to properly raise) their children. If we would have disrespected our parents in ANY way, we would have gotten the crap beat out of us! Belts, switches, the hand... whatever was closest, we'd get it. I've not gone to such extent with my two, fortunately... I've not had to (yet), but they know when they've nearly pushed me to the point. The scary point of my nostrils flaring. It usually takes a lot to get me mad (unless I'm in extreme pain or hadn't eaten in 9 or 10 hours - ha!) but when I'm mad, it's not pretty.
There are still some really good kids around, but there are a few that give the others a bad name. Respect is something that has to be learned - from the parent - and earned. If you don't respect your child, they won't respect you - that's a fact. If all you do is yell, curse at the child, tell them what a failure they are as was in this episode of Nanny 911, that's all the child knows. Another one of the kids would lie constantly. There are very few things that makes make my blood boil more than someone lying to me. That kid had no remorse and didn't care why he lied - even when he was caught red-handed!!!! He still lied about what he had done. I wanted to smack the crap out of that kid!!! I had to turn it for a few minutes. LOL
Oh well - had to vent. Hopefully we'll have the family computer back at our house tomorrow and if all goes well, running smoothly with parental controls and restricted passwords. Sometimes a parent does what a parent has to do. More on that soon. Next though, I'll have to think up a new political blog since Darrell and his groupies keep writing about the loose liberal agendas. (Yes, dear, John McCain may be old, but he does RESPECT our FLAG by saluting it and places his hand over his heart while the PLEDGE of ALLEGIANCE is being read). What kind of leader wouldn't show respect like that??? DANG - that's a whole new blog - I hope our 'puter is fixed soon!! My nostrils are flaring again!! Fibro-girl --- OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
The sad thing about that show is that more and more families are raising (or actually neglecting to properly raise) their children. If we would have disrespected our parents in ANY way, we would have gotten the crap beat out of us! Belts, switches, the hand... whatever was closest, we'd get it. I've not gone to such extent with my two, fortunately... I've not had to (yet), but they know when they've nearly pushed me to the point. The scary point of my nostrils flaring. It usually takes a lot to get me mad (unless I'm in extreme pain or hadn't eaten in 9 or 10 hours - ha!) but when I'm mad, it's not pretty.
There are still some really good kids around, but there are a few that give the others a bad name. Respect is something that has to be learned - from the parent - and earned. If you don't respect your child, they won't respect you - that's a fact. If all you do is yell, curse at the child, tell them what a failure they are as was in this episode of Nanny 911, that's all the child knows. Another one of the kids would lie constantly. There are very few things that makes make my blood boil more than someone lying to me. That kid had no remorse and didn't care why he lied - even when he was caught red-handed!!!! He still lied about what he had done. I wanted to smack the crap out of that kid!!! I had to turn it for a few minutes. LOL
Oh well - had to vent. Hopefully we'll have the family computer back at our house tomorrow and if all goes well, running smoothly with parental controls and restricted passwords. Sometimes a parent does what a parent has to do. More on that soon. Next though, I'll have to think up a new political blog since Darrell and his groupies keep writing about the loose liberal agendas. (Yes, dear, John McCain may be old, but he does RESPECT our FLAG by saluting it and places his hand over his heart while the PLEDGE of ALLEGIANCE is being read). What kind of leader wouldn't show respect like that??? DANG - that's a whole new blog - I hope our 'puter is fixed soon!! My nostrils are flaring again!! Fibro-girl --- OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
Just'a Bloggin' 110908
It's been a crazy week. I'm glad the election is over although I still don't see how people are so blind. Oh well. It is what it is, so I'll accept the "change" and respect our new leader. I may not like it, but I don't want to be one of those people who bash the president any chance they get. It's not my style. I'll just continue with my own values and beliefs as I have been for years. It's all I know to do. I know some of you are really excited about "the change" that is coming. I'm glad you are happy. I have been thinking....a lot of people got what they wanted, but are they going to like what they actually get. I hope he does well. I hope he does improve our country. But he has some convincing to do in order to persuade me otherwise. It's my blog, so I can write what I want. Again, if I offend anyone, you are welcome not to read it. I'm just venting - it's one way I deal with things.
Darrell and I are at Chip and Brandy's with Kaitlyn and Laken. Little Laken has been asleep - even before we got here and Kaitlyn in enthralled with iCarly and Hannah Montana. She is entertained. Darrell is asleep on the couch with the Toncray's little dog, Bowie, curled up at his feet. It's a sight. At least he's getting some rest. He hasn't gotten much since he got in this morning. I took a nap earlier today, but am looking forward to going to bed in a couple of hours. I still hurt. I'm tired of hurting all of the time. You'd think that I'd be used to it. Oh well - such is life.
Katie, Missy and I went to town last night. Kohl's had a good sale. Too bad I couldn't have bought more Christmas gifts. I did get two however. At least I started. I can't believe that the stores are blaring Christmas songs already!!! We just finished Halloween, I mean really! Seems like they rush it more and more every year. People forget what it's really about. That is sad.Well, I'm going to finish watching this show with Kaitlyn and rest. Got a lot on my mind tonight for some reason. It's all good though - just thinking about some stuff. Have a great weekend.
Fibro-girl OUT!
Darrell and I are at Chip and Brandy's with Kaitlyn and Laken. Little Laken has been asleep - even before we got here and Kaitlyn in enthralled with iCarly and Hannah Montana. She is entertained. Darrell is asleep on the couch with the Toncray's little dog, Bowie, curled up at his feet. It's a sight. At least he's getting some rest. He hasn't gotten much since he got in this morning. I took a nap earlier today, but am looking forward to going to bed in a couple of hours. I still hurt. I'm tired of hurting all of the time. You'd think that I'd be used to it. Oh well - such is life.
Katie, Missy and I went to town last night. Kohl's had a good sale. Too bad I couldn't have bought more Christmas gifts. I did get two however. At least I started. I can't believe that the stores are blaring Christmas songs already!!! We just finished Halloween, I mean really! Seems like they rush it more and more every year. People forget what it's really about. That is sad.Well, I'm going to finish watching this show with Kaitlyn and rest. Got a lot on my mind tonight for some reason. It's all good though - just thinking about some stuff. Have a great weekend.
Fibro-girl OUT!
Ramblings of a Migraine-Ridden Woman 111908
Ramblings of a migraine-ridden woman
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life
I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine a bit ago. Hopefully this excedrin migraine otc stuff will help. I hate that Imitrex crap you shoot up your nose - it runs down your throat and tastes like crap - but it DOES help. Oh well - maybe it's eased off enough that I can lay back down soon. I hope so.
This is a random blog. Well, MOST of my blogs are random and don't mean anything to anyone but me. Sometimes I just feel the need to write. Tonight is one of them. I have a lot on my mind it seems. I try to hide things (like pain) often, but Darrell sees right through me. He knows me too well. It's hard to pretend you don't hurt to someone who knows you better than you know yourself. He sees it... sometimes I wish he didn't. It seems to make him uneasy or at least a little upset that he can't take away what I'm dealing with. No one truly knows until you've been here. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Everyone has their own junk their dealing with. It's just life - it happens. I'm trying to adjust my attitude to maybe improve how I perceive this pain and the things that are placed before me. But it is really hard. I am sometimes my own worst enemy. Darrell says dwelling on things doesn't make them go away. He's right. I tend to dwell on things too long. They linger inside so long that there have been many times I just get more upset. That isn't good - not for me - or anyone for that matter. Maybe that's why I write. I try to get it out here and be done with it or at least try to make sense of things. Who knows.
How is it that I pray about things and give them to God to handle for me, yet I take them back? I need to stop that. I suppose it's human nature. I'm fairly sure I disappoint God everyday in some way or another....I try to ask forgiveness often. I wonder why He even puts up with me the way He does. I am so unworthy of anything He has to offer, yet He loves me anyway. It's a good thing He loves me because there are many times I feel so unloveable....that I am nothing and worthless. BUT....God thinks I'm someone and I'm here for a purpose - at least for now. I wish I knew what it was...maybe I'd be better at it.Often I feel like I'm just a face in the crowd. That I'm just here not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I want to believe that part of my purpose is to TRY to set an example for others in some way.... to be here for my family.... be the wife and mother God wants me to be....but I fall short on so many levels. I mean - I don't even like myself half of the time. How can God use me when I feel that way? I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm overweight. I'm moody. I'm so many things that I shouldn't be. Yet - even with those flaws - and MANY more, I am loved without condition.
I heard a song this morning on the radio that has made me "think" nearly all day. It's about leaving a legacy and how will people remember me? I've left a legacy with Katie because, love her heart, she looks just like me...only way prettier. I've left a legacy with JT because he has my tender heart. But I have ever done anything really significant? I fail miserably everyday. I try to be a good wife and mother. I try to be a decent friend. I try to be good at my job. I try to be a good daughter/sister. But...am I being the Christian that God wants me to be? I'm afraid my answer tonight is no. I've got so far to go in that department.
Growing up my family called me "Mary" (i.e. Mary Poppins). Why? I was a good girl, tried to obey my parents, kept my curfew, stayed away from drugs and drinking.... I knew if I would get caught I'd disappoint my daddy (and if anyone would get caught it would be ME). That, to me, was a fate WORSE than any punishment. Those words hurt me more than any physical pain - to hear my father say he was disappointed in me. So - I tried to live in a way that I wouldn't disappoint him. I need to remember that when I am living my Christian walk. Do I want to do anything that will disappoint God? That puts a whole new perspective on things for me now. I can change many things in order not to disappoint Him! Ok....I am finally getting it here! (Zap - a lightbulb just came on). NOTE: See? Blogging IS good for something!
Monday morning I had over 100 middle-school students on-campus that I was responsible for entertaining and 'impacting' in some way. Well, I was under the weather, so my colleague, Mr. Lee, helped TREMENDOUSLY with his presentation. He told those kids that the choices they make today will affect their lives later. It's true, you know? He told them that if they are doing something they don't want their parents, their boyfriend/girlfriend, their preacher, their friends or the community to know about.....then they best not be doing it. He told them if you do something you have to sneak to do - then it's probably WRONG or you wouldn't be sneaking! TRUE. I learned something that day from Mr. Lee as well....in a way it makes my point as a Christian.... if you have to hide it, don't do it. God knows everything we do anyway. Live life as an open book. Don't be ashamed of things you do because 9 times out of 10 someone is going to find out about it. How will it affect your life? How will it affect people you love? If it hurts them in anyway - don't do it. Plain and simple.
Ok, I've preached enough tonight. I need to try to sleep a little more. Darrell wanted to go to bed early, but then he got up and left me. I woke up a bit ago probably because I went to bed around 9. Oh well....whatever. Tomorrow's another day. I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead. Then it won't matter I suppose. LOL More ramblings coming your way soon.Fibro-girl out...........................................
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Life
I woke up with the beginnings of a migraine a bit ago. Hopefully this excedrin migraine otc stuff will help. I hate that Imitrex crap you shoot up your nose - it runs down your throat and tastes like crap - but it DOES help. Oh well - maybe it's eased off enough that I can lay back down soon. I hope so.
This is a random blog. Well, MOST of my blogs are random and don't mean anything to anyone but me. Sometimes I just feel the need to write. Tonight is one of them. I have a lot on my mind it seems. I try to hide things (like pain) often, but Darrell sees right through me. He knows me too well. It's hard to pretend you don't hurt to someone who knows you better than you know yourself. He sees it... sometimes I wish he didn't. It seems to make him uneasy or at least a little upset that he can't take away what I'm dealing with. No one truly knows until you've been here. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Everyone has their own junk their dealing with. It's just life - it happens. I'm trying to adjust my attitude to maybe improve how I perceive this pain and the things that are placed before me. But it is really hard. I am sometimes my own worst enemy. Darrell says dwelling on things doesn't make them go away. He's right. I tend to dwell on things too long. They linger inside so long that there have been many times I just get more upset. That isn't good - not for me - or anyone for that matter. Maybe that's why I write. I try to get it out here and be done with it or at least try to make sense of things. Who knows.
How is it that I pray about things and give them to God to handle for me, yet I take them back? I need to stop that. I suppose it's human nature. I'm fairly sure I disappoint God everyday in some way or another....I try to ask forgiveness often. I wonder why He even puts up with me the way He does. I am so unworthy of anything He has to offer, yet He loves me anyway. It's a good thing He loves me because there are many times I feel so unloveable....that I am nothing and worthless. BUT....God thinks I'm someone and I'm here for a purpose - at least for now. I wish I knew what it was...maybe I'd be better at it.Often I feel like I'm just a face in the crowd. That I'm just here not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. I want to believe that part of my purpose is to TRY to set an example for others in some way.... to be here for my family.... be the wife and mother God wants me to be....but I fall short on so many levels. I mean - I don't even like myself half of the time. How can God use me when I feel that way? I'm insecure. I'm scared. I'm overweight. I'm moody. I'm so many things that I shouldn't be. Yet - even with those flaws - and MANY more, I am loved without condition.
I heard a song this morning on the radio that has made me "think" nearly all day. It's about leaving a legacy and how will people remember me? I've left a legacy with Katie because, love her heart, she looks just like me...only way prettier. I've left a legacy with JT because he has my tender heart. But I have ever done anything really significant? I fail miserably everyday. I try to be a good wife and mother. I try to be a decent friend. I try to be good at my job. I try to be a good daughter/sister. But...am I being the Christian that God wants me to be? I'm afraid my answer tonight is no. I've got so far to go in that department.
Growing up my family called me "Mary" (i.e. Mary Poppins). Why? I was a good girl, tried to obey my parents, kept my curfew, stayed away from drugs and drinking.... I knew if I would get caught I'd disappoint my daddy (and if anyone would get caught it would be ME). That, to me, was a fate WORSE than any punishment. Those words hurt me more than any physical pain - to hear my father say he was disappointed in me. So - I tried to live in a way that I wouldn't disappoint him. I need to remember that when I am living my Christian walk. Do I want to do anything that will disappoint God? That puts a whole new perspective on things for me now. I can change many things in order not to disappoint Him! Ok....I am finally getting it here! (Zap - a lightbulb just came on). NOTE: See? Blogging IS good for something!
Monday morning I had over 100 middle-school students on-campus that I was responsible for entertaining and 'impacting' in some way. Well, I was under the weather, so my colleague, Mr. Lee, helped TREMENDOUSLY with his presentation. He told those kids that the choices they make today will affect their lives later. It's true, you know? He told them that if they are doing something they don't want their parents, their boyfriend/girlfriend, their preacher, their friends or the community to know about.....then they best not be doing it. He told them if you do something you have to sneak to do - then it's probably WRONG or you wouldn't be sneaking! TRUE. I learned something that day from Mr. Lee as well....in a way it makes my point as a Christian.... if you have to hide it, don't do it. God knows everything we do anyway. Live life as an open book. Don't be ashamed of things you do because 9 times out of 10 someone is going to find out about it. How will it affect your life? How will it affect people you love? If it hurts them in anyway - don't do it. Plain and simple.
Ok, I've preached enough tonight. I need to try to sleep a little more. Darrell wanted to go to bed early, but then he got up and left me. I woke up a bit ago probably because I went to bed around 9. Oh well....whatever. Tomorrow's another day. I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead. Then it won't matter I suppose. LOL More ramblings coming your way soon.Fibro-girl out...........................................
Monday, December 29, 2008
Well, here I am again. Wide awake at 1:15 a.m. I was having weird dreams for some reason so I think I'll just stay up a bit and write. I have a lot on my mind anyway.
My kids went to Richmond with their father to visit their grandfather for several days. Just like when we were married, there is NO communication between their father and I. It's like the kids are the go between unless something major and serious is going on. Any other time, the man grunts at me. Still, after close to six years, he STILL hasn't given me the baby pictures of the kids he is supposed to. I guess I can ask AGAIN nicely and if he doesn't cooperate this time I'll take a deputy with me along with the divorce papers saying I can get what is mine. Good grief!
Why did I write that? Well, I guess it's been bothering me a bit that I was "told" by the kids that they were going to Richmond - I wasn't asked - I was told. I actually encourage them to see their dad's side of the family and I didn't have anything planned with the kids, but deep down it does bother me a little. I hate not seeing them for that long.
My son is almost 17 now so I don't see him much at all lately anyway. Any free time he has is spent sleeping or at the Fire Hall. He LOVES being a volunteer firefighter! I am proud of him for many things, but that is such a worthy way to spend one's time. Helping people and not getting paid for it. He's a great kid! He's handsome, smart, talented and very caring and above all, he is a Christian. He and Katie argue sometimes, but that's normal. (I soooo remember my brother, sister and I fighting - oh my!) I'm very proud of the young man he has become. Occasionally he has a smart mouth, but he knows when to shut it - especially if my nostrils are flared. That is not pretty. When my nostrils are flared, the wrath has begun. I'm not the quiet, scared person I used to be. I'm much stronger now, so I don't take lightly when someone tries to walk all over me. Not anymore. Ok - enough of that. Lol
Now, my daughter, on the other hand is still my little girl at 13. She's growing up much too fast really. It seems like she changes or grows an inch or two every few days. She's a beautiful young lady. I'm proud of who she is. She is down-right hilarious, smart, dramatic (can I get an amen???) and is also a Christian. She has no problem with self-esteem like her mother always did (and still does) and she won't easily give in to peer pressure. If anything, she tells kids they are stupid when she has found out they've been smoking or doing any kind of drugs. I PRAY she stays strong and that I have taught her right from wrong. Darrell says she'll probably go wild in the next few years. I hope she proves him wrong. She's still my baby in so many ways, but everyday I look at her, I see her becoming a young woman. It's hard to swallow.
But - that's why God blesses us with children I suppose - to teach them right from wrong, be a positive role model to them and to take care of their needs until they are grown and out on their own - and to mold them into the adult they are meant to be. I guess I'm writing because I miss them. They are six hours away from me and I guess I worry they may need me and I'll be way down here. I have to trust their father to do that in my absence I guess. He does love them and I'm sure he'll watch out for them. If anything, he is MORE strict than I am - if that's possible. He will take care of them. So will God. I know God will never let me down. Hmmm - I'm still wide awake. I thought that a little blogging might do the trick. I guess not.
Let's see - what else to talk about...? I go see my doctor in the morning for my regular check-up. She sees me about every four weeks to make sure nothing major has changed. Hopefully, since I'm seeing her fairly early in the day, she'll be in a good mood this time. In all the time I've seen her, she's been great to me except for the last couple of times. I don't know if she's frustrated with me, her job or her home life, but I certainly hope she doesn't take whatever is wrong with her out on me again. I have ENOUGH stress in my life as it is and don't need any more. It's no wonder I hurt the way I do lately. Such is life.I feel like I'm getting a sinus infection so at least maybe she can get me fixed with that. I've had intense pain the last few days - worse pain than I've had in a long time. I nearly had my husband take me to the ER for a pain shot. Nothing would touch the intensity. It was bad - really bad. All I could do is cry - yeah, I know that didn't help either, but at least I got some stress relief that way. I hate pain like that. I hate when the pain comes so quickly and powerfully that it debilitates me. I can do nothing. Nothing at all. No one can. It's bad when even the clothes you are wearing hurts you. The thought of it makes me cringe. But - this is what my life has become….a waiting game. Waiting to see what each day brings me. Am I going to hurt today? Yes, I hurt nearly everyday, but some days are way worse than others. How am I going to handle it? What can I do to make it ease up? There are no answers many days. I just live the life God has given me the best way I can.
I am blessed in many ways. I have a great husband that loves me, kids, parents, siblings and friends that love me. I have a place to live, food to eat, a place to rest, clothes on my back and job I love. I have my sight, my hearing, my taste, my sense of touch, my sense of smell (well, when my nose isn't clogged up - lol), a nice car to get me where I need to go. I have a lot more than many people do. I think since God has blessed me with so many good things, I need to understand that the pain I deal with is part of the plan He has for me. Maybe in some way I can help somebody else someday - much like one of my dearest friends has done for me. We take what God gives us. It's up to us to make a difference, a positive influence on others. If they don't use what God has given them, then it is their own fault. We all have responsibilities. Some have the responsibility of being the head of household - the one that makes the family the strength that it is and is responsible for seeing that those they love are led spiritually as well as physically provided for. Some have the responsibility of caretaker….making sure the needs of the family are met. Others are responsible for obeying their parents until they reach the age of adulthood. We all have our roles. It's up to us to do the best we can for God's glory.
Yes, I'm rambling… sorry. I just let my fingers go and type whatever comes out. Just overlook me. It's 2 a.m. and I'm awake - sort of now. Thanks for reading this far if you have and please overlook my typos and non-sense analogies. I guess I'll try to sleep again. More next time…Fibro-girl OUT!
My kids went to Richmond with their father to visit their grandfather for several days. Just like when we were married, there is NO communication between their father and I. It's like the kids are the go between unless something major and serious is going on. Any other time, the man grunts at me. Still, after close to six years, he STILL hasn't given me the baby pictures of the kids he is supposed to. I guess I can ask AGAIN nicely and if he doesn't cooperate this time I'll take a deputy with me along with the divorce papers saying I can get what is mine. Good grief!
Why did I write that? Well, I guess it's been bothering me a bit that I was "told" by the kids that they were going to Richmond - I wasn't asked - I was told. I actually encourage them to see their dad's side of the family and I didn't have anything planned with the kids, but deep down it does bother me a little. I hate not seeing them for that long.
My son is almost 17 now so I don't see him much at all lately anyway. Any free time he has is spent sleeping or at the Fire Hall. He LOVES being a volunteer firefighter! I am proud of him for many things, but that is such a worthy way to spend one's time. Helping people and not getting paid for it. He's a great kid! He's handsome, smart, talented and very caring and above all, he is a Christian. He and Katie argue sometimes, but that's normal. (I soooo remember my brother, sister and I fighting - oh my!) I'm very proud of the young man he has become. Occasionally he has a smart mouth, but he knows when to shut it - especially if my nostrils are flared. That is not pretty. When my nostrils are flared, the wrath has begun. I'm not the quiet, scared person I used to be. I'm much stronger now, so I don't take lightly when someone tries to walk all over me. Not anymore. Ok - enough of that. Lol
Now, my daughter, on the other hand is still my little girl at 13. She's growing up much too fast really. It seems like she changes or grows an inch or two every few days. She's a beautiful young lady. I'm proud of who she is. She is down-right hilarious, smart, dramatic (can I get an amen???) and is also a Christian. She has no problem with self-esteem like her mother always did (and still does) and she won't easily give in to peer pressure. If anything, she tells kids they are stupid when she has found out they've been smoking or doing any kind of drugs. I PRAY she stays strong and that I have taught her right from wrong. Darrell says she'll probably go wild in the next few years. I hope she proves him wrong. She's still my baby in so many ways, but everyday I look at her, I see her becoming a young woman. It's hard to swallow.
But - that's why God blesses us with children I suppose - to teach them right from wrong, be a positive role model to them and to take care of their needs until they are grown and out on their own - and to mold them into the adult they are meant to be. I guess I'm writing because I miss them. They are six hours away from me and I guess I worry they may need me and I'll be way down here. I have to trust their father to do that in my absence I guess. He does love them and I'm sure he'll watch out for them. If anything, he is MORE strict than I am - if that's possible. He will take care of them. So will God. I know God will never let me down. Hmmm - I'm still wide awake. I thought that a little blogging might do the trick. I guess not.
Let's see - what else to talk about...? I go see my doctor in the morning for my regular check-up. She sees me about every four weeks to make sure nothing major has changed. Hopefully, since I'm seeing her fairly early in the day, she'll be in a good mood this time. In all the time I've seen her, she's been great to me except for the last couple of times. I don't know if she's frustrated with me, her job or her home life, but I certainly hope she doesn't take whatever is wrong with her out on me again. I have ENOUGH stress in my life as it is and don't need any more. It's no wonder I hurt the way I do lately. Such is life.I feel like I'm getting a sinus infection so at least maybe she can get me fixed with that. I've had intense pain the last few days - worse pain than I've had in a long time. I nearly had my husband take me to the ER for a pain shot. Nothing would touch the intensity. It was bad - really bad. All I could do is cry - yeah, I know that didn't help either, but at least I got some stress relief that way. I hate pain like that. I hate when the pain comes so quickly and powerfully that it debilitates me. I can do nothing. Nothing at all. No one can. It's bad when even the clothes you are wearing hurts you. The thought of it makes me cringe. But - this is what my life has become….a waiting game. Waiting to see what each day brings me. Am I going to hurt today? Yes, I hurt nearly everyday, but some days are way worse than others. How am I going to handle it? What can I do to make it ease up? There are no answers many days. I just live the life God has given me the best way I can.
I am blessed in many ways. I have a great husband that loves me, kids, parents, siblings and friends that love me. I have a place to live, food to eat, a place to rest, clothes on my back and job I love. I have my sight, my hearing, my taste, my sense of touch, my sense of smell (well, when my nose isn't clogged up - lol), a nice car to get me where I need to go. I have a lot more than many people do. I think since God has blessed me with so many good things, I need to understand that the pain I deal with is part of the plan He has for me. Maybe in some way I can help somebody else someday - much like one of my dearest friends has done for me. We take what God gives us. It's up to us to make a difference, a positive influence on others. If they don't use what God has given them, then it is their own fault. We all have responsibilities. Some have the responsibility of being the head of household - the one that makes the family the strength that it is and is responsible for seeing that those they love are led spiritually as well as physically provided for. Some have the responsibility of caretaker….making sure the needs of the family are met. Others are responsible for obeying their parents until they reach the age of adulthood. We all have our roles. It's up to us to do the best we can for God's glory.
Yes, I'm rambling… sorry. I just let my fingers go and type whatever comes out. Just overlook me. It's 2 a.m. and I'm awake - sort of now. Thanks for reading this far if you have and please overlook my typos and non-sense analogies. I guess I'll try to sleep again. More next time…Fibro-girl OUT!
Friday, December 19, 2008
And another....
Here we go again. My second blog for the night! It's ok, I must need to get some things out here. My brother and sister-in-law made it home from Texas safely and surprised us tonight with an early arrival! It was a much needed blessing. This will probably be the last week I'll get to see my brother for a while. He lives in Texas and will be making his second tour to Iraq in April or May. I hate that they live so far away, but truthfully there aren't many jobs around here and no one blamed him when he rejoined the Army full-time. It's who he is now. I'm very proud of him and his accomplishments.
I wrote earlier without much detail as to what has been going on, but again, my step-son seems to get the better of me even when he isn't here. Well, he got his way. He is staying with his grandmother that lives about 20 minutes away...close to where his druggie friends live. That's real good. Really smart for my husband to give in and let him go. His mother is legally blind and doesn't like to stay by herself when her husband is working nights, so my hubby agrees to let him go over there for the 'night.' Hmmm.
The problem I have with that is that although I am married to this man (and obtained two boys at the time I did) I am the one that is with this kid every day and night. He drives a truck and is gone half of the week, yet I have NO say-so in his discipline or what his son is/is not allowed to do. I found out tonight from my daughter that my husband allows his "grounded" son to get on the computer when I am at work and makes him log off as soon as it's time for me to come home. This really burns me up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I cannot continue to live this way. It's not fair to me.
Each time I try to discuss the 'son' with my husband he either changes the subject, yells about me 'nagging' him aboug the kid, or tells me he's tired of talking about it. When my hubby was young he was one of the wild boys I never in a million years would have dated. Although we went through middle school and high school together, we didn't hang around the same crowds. I was a 'band geek' and he was the wild, pot-head, party boy. Total complete opposites in almost everyway. But we love each other and despite our differences, we try to make it work. The ONLY thing we argue about it the one son of his. That's it. Nothing else.
Now...here I am...blogging to try to sort out my feelings. Trying to decide which road to take at this point. I am too tired to fight. I hurt too much to keep the charade up much longer. It's sucking the life out of me and I'm either going to have to dig in and keep trying, or make the choice for my husband and allow him and his sons to do whatever they want despite the consequences. It's like nothing matters to them. Who gets hurt...nothing. No conscience. I don't understand. I always had respect for my parents and for any adult, really. This kid could care less. He will lie over and over again like it's nothing. He has no regrets at all. He does what he wants no matter who gets hurt as long as it's for his good.
I'm going to go now. My eyes are heavy and I've fretted enough. It's time for Jesus and me to have a talk. He will help me through it. He is the One I can always count on to get me through these times.
Til next time....
Fibro-girl out!
I wrote earlier without much detail as to what has been going on, but again, my step-son seems to get the better of me even when he isn't here. Well, he got his way. He is staying with his grandmother that lives about 20 minutes away...close to where his druggie friends live. That's real good. Really smart for my husband to give in and let him go. His mother is legally blind and doesn't like to stay by herself when her husband is working nights, so my hubby agrees to let him go over there for the 'night.' Hmmm.
The problem I have with that is that although I am married to this man (and obtained two boys at the time I did) I am the one that is with this kid every day and night. He drives a truck and is gone half of the week, yet I have NO say-so in his discipline or what his son is/is not allowed to do. I found out tonight from my daughter that my husband allows his "grounded" son to get on the computer when I am at work and makes him log off as soon as it's time for me to come home. This really burns me up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I cannot continue to live this way. It's not fair to me.
Each time I try to discuss the 'son' with my husband he either changes the subject, yells about me 'nagging' him aboug the kid, or tells me he's tired of talking about it. When my hubby was young he was one of the wild boys I never in a million years would have dated. Although we went through middle school and high school together, we didn't hang around the same crowds. I was a 'band geek' and he was the wild, pot-head, party boy. Total complete opposites in almost everyway. But we love each other and despite our differences, we try to make it work. The ONLY thing we argue about it the one son of his. That's it. Nothing else.
Now...here I am...blogging to try to sort out my feelings. Trying to decide which road to take at this point. I am too tired to fight. I hurt too much to keep the charade up much longer. It's sucking the life out of me and I'm either going to have to dig in and keep trying, or make the choice for my husband and allow him and his sons to do whatever they want despite the consequences. It's like nothing matters to them. Who gets hurt...nothing. No conscience. I don't understand. I always had respect for my parents and for any adult, really. This kid could care less. He will lie over and over again like it's nothing. He has no regrets at all. He does what he wants no matter who gets hurt as long as it's for his good.
I'm going to go now. My eyes are heavy and I've fretted enough. It's time for Jesus and me to have a talk. He will help me through it. He is the One I can always count on to get me through these times.
Til next time....
Fibro-girl out!
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